When Cutoff Isn’t The Goal: A Call for Accountability, Connection & Healing

I’ll admit, I was shocked by how much attention a recent post on my page received. As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I want to begin by making one thing crystal clear: I never recommend cutoff unless there is active abuse…emotional, physical, or financial.

Boundaries, however, look different for everyone. Each family member has the right to set limits around drug and alcohol use, lifestyle choices, and relationships. That is personal. But my post wasn’t about those situations.

This message is for the parents who have been asked repeatedly (sometimes in therapy, sometimes in conversations, sometimes in quiet text messages) for acknowledgment and accountability around past hurts, yet struggle to engage in that process.

Where Connection Can Begin

Many parents fear that accountability means blame. But accountability isn’t about assigning fault, it’s about creating space for repair. It’s an invitation to connection.

Here are a few ways children and parents can connect in these moments:

Listening without defense: Sometimes the greatest gift is to listen, not to explain or justify, but simply to hear.

Naming the hurt: Saying, “I see that my choices caused you pain,” can be more healing than a dozen explanations.

Small gestures forward: Connection doesn’t always start with big apologies. It can begin with showing up for a coffee, sending a thoughtful text, or remembering an important date.

Shared meaning-making: Parents and children can look together at both the joys and sorrows of the past, building a story of family that is honest and still full of love.

The Grief on Both Sides

What is often overlooked in these conversations is the grief involved, for both the parent and the child.

For the child, there is grief that their parent couldn’t show up in certain ways during their upbringing. There may be sadness that important milestones were clouded by conflict or misunderstanding.

For the parent, there is grief in realizing that some of their choices, or even blind spots, left scars. There may also be grief in feeling distanced from a child they love deeply, wishing they could “undo” the past.

When accountability is avoided, both parent and child can experience what feels like a living loss. A child may step back to protect themselves, and a parent may feel rejected or left behind. That loss echoes much like a death. It carries mourning, longing, and sometimes silence.

But when accountability is embraced, grief can become a bridge. Instead of tearing families apart, shared grief can actually bring them together. It says: “We both lost something. Can we face that loss side by side and move forward differently?”

The Child’s Heart

Most children, whether they’re 15 or 45, don’t want to cut ties. They want relationship. What they’re asking is not for a parent to carry shame forever, but to recognize the reality of their pain.

They are saying: “I want you with me. I want to heal together. I don’t want to stay stuck in the old story. We can write a new one if you’ll walk with me.”

Final Thoughts

Cutoff is not the goal. Connection is. But connection requires truth-telling, humility, and the courage to sit with grief, both yours and your child’s.

If you’re a parent reading this, I want you to know: your child’s request for accountability is often a sign of love. They wouldn’t ask if they didn’t want you close.

And if you’re a child, I want you to know: your longing for repair is valid. Grief is part of this journey, but so is hope. Families can heal—not perfectly, but honestly.

In the end, the invitation is the same: let’s move from grief to connection, from rupture to repair. Because every family deserves the chance to heal together.