Underestimated: What Teenage Girls Wish We Understood
We kicked off this year’s book club with Underestimated: The Wisdom and Power of Teenage Girls, and this was a really interesting one to start with.
I picked this book because teenage girls are talked about all the time.
They’re anxious. They’re dramatic. They’re addicted to their phones. They’re too sensitive. They’re mean to each other. They have attitude. They don’t communicate. They communicate too much.
We have a LOT to say about teenage girls.
I’m not always sure we spend nearly as much time listening to them.
And that is really where this book shines.
Who should read this book?
Obviously, parents of girls.
But I would expand that recommendation much further.
If you teach girls, coach them, counsel them, supervise them, mentor them, lead a youth group, work in administration, or hold any other position where a girl is looking to you as an adult with some degree of authority, I think there is something here for you.
And if you’re doing your own work in therapy, particularly parts work, there is another layer to this book entirely.
There were moments when this book sounded less like a book about teenage girls and more like it was written by someone’s teenage part who has been waiting a very long time to say:
See me. Hear me. Believe me. Trust me. Stop assuming you know what I’m thinking.
For some adults, I suspect you will start this book thinking about the teenage girls in your life and unexpectedly find yourself thinking about the teenage girl you once were.
Pay attention when that happens.
One of my favorite things about the book
I really liked the way this book is organized, particularly the Core Insights at the end of the chapters.
I am a big fan of books that give me something I can actually use. Give me the research and the stories, but then please tell me what I am supposed to DO with all of it.
The Core Insights do that really well.
And do not finish the last chapter and close the book.
Read the appendices.
There is some really good practical material tucked into the back of this book.
Appendix 2, in particular, includes questions to ask girls that are excellent. Interestingly, if you are an adult who has spent time in therapy, some of those questions may sound familiar.
There is a reason for that.
Good questions aren't about interrogating someone until they tell you what's wrong. They're about creating enough curiosity and safety that another person can figure out what is happening inside of them.
Sometimes the most powerful thing an adult can say isn't, “Here's what you should do.”
It's another question.
And please use the feelings wheel
The feelings wheel included in the book is one of those incredibly simple tools that I wish every family used.
Make a million copies.
Put one on your refrigerator.
Put one in your office.
Put one in your kid's room.
Put one in a classroom.
Put one wherever human beings regularly lose their minds and then insist that they're “fine.”
We ask kids how they feel and then wonder why they say “good,” “bad,” “fine,” or “I don't know.”
Emotional vocabulary has to be learned.
And frankly, plenty of adults need the wheel too.
Being able to distinguish between disappointed, embarrassed, rejected, jealous, lonely, overwhelmed, irritated, ashamed, scared and angry changes conversations.
Sometimes “angry” isn't actually angry at all.
The bigger question I kept coming back to
The title Underestimated matters.
What if teenage girls aren't problems we're supposed to solve?
What if we approached them believing that they already possess wisdom about themselves?
That doesn't mean teenagers always have the correct interpretation of a situation. They're teenagers. Their frontal lobes are still very much under construction.
But adults aren't always right either.
We can take a girl's feelings seriously without agreeing with every conclusion she draws.
We can set boundaries while remaining curious.
We can allow consequences without humiliation.
We can let something hurt without immediately trying to make it disappear.
And we can remember that adult perspective can be useful, but sometimes we weaponize perspective.
We know that she probably won't care about this friendship breakup in five years.
She doesn't live five years from now.
She lives today.
Her world is happening right now.
Maybe our job isn't always to convince her that something isn't as big as she thinks it is.
Maybe sometimes our job is simply to sit beside her while it feels big.
Questions to keep the conversation going
Whether you're reading this book with an actual book club, discussing it with your partner, talking about it with colleagues, or sitting alone with a cup of coffee realizing that teenage you has some opinions, here are the questions I think are worth wrestling with:
Are teenage girls actually more anxious than they used to be, or have adults gotten more anxious about teenage girls?
What behavior do we call “dramatic” in a 14-year-old girl that we would call “stressed” or “overwhelmed” in a 40-year-old woman?
Do we actually want girls to be assertive, or do we want them to be assertive as long as they're still pleasant?
How much of “teenage attitude” is actually a girl discovering that she doesn't have to make the adults around her comfortable?
Are we raising resilient girls, or are we sometimes so afraid of them being uncomfortable that we accidentally teach them they can't handle discomfort?
When does validating feelings cross over into validating everything? Can we say, “Your feelings make complete sense, and I don't think your interpretation of what happened is completely accurate”?
Are parents too involved in teenage friendships? When do we need to stop managing their social lives and allow some things to hurt?
Have we pathologized normal adolescence? Is every uncomfortable feeling anxiety, every difficult friendship toxic, every bad experience trauma and every boundary a mental health necessity?
And then the flip side:
What did previous generations normalize that absolutely should never have been normalized?
How many girls have been taught to “trust your gut” while simultaneously being taught to be polite when their gut is screaming no?
What are we still teaching girls about being “nice” that we would never intentionally teach them if we really stopped and thought about it?
When a teenage girl doesn't tell her mother everything, is that evidence that something is wrong with the relationship, or can privacy be part of healthy separation?
Would you rather raise a girl who occasionally gets in trouble because she trusts herself enough to push back, or one who follows every rule because she is terrified of disappointing people?
And maybe the most uncomfortable one:
What if the thing about your teenage daughter that drives you absolutely crazy is the thing about yourself you never learned how to tolerate?
Finally:
If 15-year-old you were sitting beside you right now, what would she say adults got wrong about her?
And what would she want you to understand now?
Underestimated is one I would recommend, especially for parents of girls and anyone who works with girls in a position of trust, leadership or authority.
Read the book.
Read the Core Insights.
Don't skip the appendices.
Make copies of the feelings wheel.
And then, perhaps most importantly, ask a girl a really good question and be willing to stay quiet long enough to hear her answer.
About the Author: Renée M. Calhoun, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist providing virtual therapy to individuals, couples, and families in Pennsylvania and New York. She specializes in ADHD, trauma, family systems, substance use, and supporting high functioning women and parents navigating stress, burnout, and life transitions. Renée is passionate about helping people understand their nervous systems, build healthier relationships, and feel more confident in their everyday lives. Learn more at www.reneecalhounlmft.com.
Disclaimer: This content is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy or mental health care.
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